Long sigh ...
That's what I did when I decided to write again ...
Accompanied by trunks of cigarette butts that have been burned and those that are still burning ...
Tonight, I'm starting to think "Am I Depressed?"
It all might be starts when a friend of my very best friends having it and they starting to declared they also having it.
I honestly don't know whether that is kind of trend these days or that is a kind of virus that contagious when you surrounded by people who having it?
Or is it only in our mind to dodge the reality that we are so lonely?
And by lonely, it means in general.. Like you just don't know how to deliver your emotion.. your true emotion I mean!
Oh Lord! I don't know.. seriously I DON'T FU*KIN KNOWS THAT!!!
What I know is I pushed people away, keep a distance to whomever wanted to try to reaches me, and put my mask on in front of others..Fake smile and everything, try to be a person that anyone would love to but also so hypocrite by stay true..
Like, I don't know, I put distances to my best friends, even we've been thru hell, after all I pushes them away..
Or maybe, I did that to protect my self? To protect my self from getting infected by their "depression" story?
Or maybe, I did that before they does it? Like, I'm so afraid to loose them by knowing at the stage of my age, we'll grew apart. They will find a boyfriend (one of them are newly being in a relationship), getting serious and finally married?
Or maybe, we just not gonna gone any far from this?
Or maybe, I'm starting to realized that they never there for me anymore? Well, I'm totally make an RSVP in Hell by saying this, but, I just forget when was the last time they were there for me? As simple as they just ask me whats good or whats new? I'm totally not worthy to being friends with now..officially!!!!
Again, seriously I DON'T FU*KIN KNOW!!!!
What I know is deep inside, there's a hole inside me that kept consumes me each and everyday..
I felt so alone in a crowded places, I felt so alone every night so that I build my imaginary boyfriend which is only my own bolster pillow, such that I can talk to him about everything and I can be everything.. I can break up with him now and get back to him within an hours..
I felt so alone so that I ignore my feeling of everything!
I don't wanna cry, like, I avoid to cry as hard as I could.. I don't wanna loose my guard!
Because I know, none will be there for me!! NO ONE!!
I've got to got my own back because no one will be there! No one that I know or remember will be there to got my back when I fall..like really really there for me, not for once!!
So I decided to shut them as well as I shut myself up!
But when the night comes, all of those empty and hole inside me haunts me..
Some said, it is okay to see some professional help, but does it necessary for me? I don't find it fascinating at all..
So that's why I wrote this, with anonymous name, so none knows..
I guess I just did my best to survive :)
May 29th, 2019
